Boys!

It seems like whenever I travel I am having boy problems. “Problems.” Which could be also referred to as….girl drama.

Israel – I had just met my boyfriend and he had told me he loved me. Good grief.

Egypt – Said boyfriend is now practically an ex boyfriend and he is telling me he is being forced into an arranged marriage.

Iraq – 3 days before I leave said boyfriend actually breaks up with me. There was less drama here because I was hoping he was going to break up with me. (And I totally fell in love with being an exotic flower, in the Middle East.)

Now – I am leaving for Afghanistan in 2 hours (I’m about to call a cab to the airport).

The ex boyfriend is telling me he wants to get back together, it’s been 5 months since he pre-Iraq broke up with me. (But he gave me $20 to take a cab to the airport today. Yay)

The Iranian lastnight (who also broke up with me) almost cried after dinner. And kept wanting to give me more hugs and goodbye kisses and insisting that him (or his mother) host me in Iran whenever I decide to go. Becuase it will totally happen. It’s on the short list (with Pakistan, India, Bangladesh and Jordan). Anyways.

The Indian. Who is by far the most annoying human being on the planet. Who won’t even give me a ride to the airport, stop by to give me a hug this afternoon and it reminds me how he is SO ATTRACTIVE even though I CANNOT STAND HIM!

So…I’m hoping that the men in Afghanistan are so beautiful that I forget all about this for the next 2 weeks.

And I hope that I fit into my plane seat

Psychic Birthday (Did I spell that right?)

For our birthdays (mine and my moms are 2 weeks apart) my mom wanted us to have our cards read. I have zero desire for this, and while I’m not an active unbeliever, I don’t put any faith in it either. It is JUST for entertainment purposes only. And I’ve never had it done before. Curiosity.

Now, like I said, I’m a psychic agnostic, but because he was old and gay, I just believed him more. You know? Old queens just know shit! They have seen it all. So this boosted my confidence up.

We sat in on one anothers, so my mom was my audience.

Now, right before our appointment we went for coffee and we chatted about the past two years, as I had to write out some information for someone who is sending out an introduction/blurb about me before a talk I am giving at their AGM. While writing out the things I participated in, I sound super exciting and I ended up feeling a little pompous about it. (And I hate that, I do NOT sell myself well, which is why I have amazing life experiences and a super shitty job. Seriously, people should really want to hire me. I’m just not good at expressing how awesome I am in interviews and networking functions. Anyways…back to me being humble.) So my mom specifically says…your life has been amazing and different the past 2 years!

(Note: He actually records the session on a cassette, I unfortuneately do not own anything that plays a cassette. I may at some point do a transcript of it, if I find something at my moms that will allow me to do so. I would love to post it. So this is just from memory and all paraphrasing. But you can be sure there was lots of super gay finger snapping and neck weaving. Which I love.

So I went first and as I shuffled my cards I was thinking of the questions I wanted answered. And they were something like:

• Will I be lucky enough to die young?
• How many marriages will I have, the answer will be 0 or more than 1.
• Will I always be poor?
• Travel…money…

Aside from the marriage thing, which I didn’t dwell on too much, I swear I wasn’t thinking about relationships. But he literally talked about relationships for 20 minutes.

So as soon as he lays out the cards he says

The past two years have been busy and you’re ornery and just want to get things done, and your restless. But since the summer time the ball has started rolling and your only gaining more momentum. The past 2 years have been a struggle and reawakening. But you’ve finished that, (which is great because some people it takes their whole lives). – I ended my 2 year  relationship, registered for my final seminar, applied to go to Iraq, and quit a shitty job that I had worked at for so long!

You have found like minded people the past 2 years who are gathering around you, and they support and share your same goals. (At this point in my head I laughed and thought “I wonder if he is talking about all the Mennonites I know now.) And then immediately afterwards he says…they’re like your knew “flock”. I was like. Holy fuck! He used the word FLOCK? He IS talking about my Mennonites!

He also said I was not one to suffer fools, and I have a knack for not holding onto relationships that don’t need to be help onto. However, the past relationship, he will probably always be a dear friend, but I am no longer attached and affected by that person anymore. He is broken and romantically tragic.

I tend to be attracted to broken people however. (I already knew this. Lol)

I love optimists, but I am willing to do the dirty work that needs to be done to get there. He sees me as a “digging latrines and bloody hands wrapping wounds” kind of person, because the word is full of shit and blood. But you know that and you aren’t afraid of it.

I think lots of people would find this insulting. I loved it.

He also said he saw me living in the east, I started to worry that he meant Toronto, or Nefoundland…and then he said the “eastern hemisphere”….thank Jesus. Pakistan and Afghanistan trump Toronto or St.John’s any day of the week!

He sees lot’s of kids in my future…but not like my babies. He made it sound like a teacher-y type thing. Although I have a feeling if things don’t work out…it might have meant cats.

My moms was really boring, the only thing I remember from the end was that she asked if there was going to be any “big events” in the near future and he mentioned a wedding for a young couple (true dat), but no funeral, and no losses. So I guess I’m not dying in Afghanistan!

Stupid Coworker: Take Two

I was complaining…about my relationship (of course) and how he annoyed me, one of the things is the racism. OH HEAVENS!

And my relationship before him was with someone not originally from Canada, and he had some prejudices from back home which I could kind of understand because there were personal things that happened during a fairly recent war of independence. (And he didn’t say he hated all these people, it was more he hated that country and the government and military of 2 specific countries.)

And i just commented that I couldn’t fault him for that because it did have a direct impact on him and his whole family.

And this coworker, in all of his wisdom says,

“That’s ridiculous, so, are you saying it’s understandable if I say I hate Indians because they ask me for change everytime I pass them on the street?” – And then of course he walks away before I can respond.

Actually, it would be like a native person saying that he hated settlers maybe 10 years after they received smallpox blankets.

Understandable, yes? (Or am I crazy?)

It’s My Party….

It’s almost my 31st birthday. I am old. I am behind on everything. And I just keep being reminded!

Example from work while bitching about my “relationship”.

Coworker – How do you just end up in a relationship without knowing how it happened?

Me – I don’t know! I used to make fun of people that did this.

Coworker – I did that, when I was 23…but aren’t you like THIRTY?!

Me – ….

*sigh*

You should probably not be dating if….

(Before I start, we already had a “relationship talk” where we discussed that we should just be good friends. However, he texted me the next morning with “Goodmorning sweetheart.”….Faaaack.)

If you start dating someone that sells them-self as a “humanitarian”, who is simple and humble, intelligent who doesn’t believe in stereotypes or a class system. He believes in intelligent conversation (apparently) and also appreciates it when people don’t say “fuck” continuously. (I have this written in my profile. It just makes people sound dumb!) And it’s really important to treat everyone (including those in the service industry, as that is where I work) with respect and understanding.

He’s probably a liar (or confused) if you start dating and these are your observations:

• Fuck is every second word.
• He walks into a store with an air of entitlement and talks down to waiters and counter staff.
• He has used the word “faggot” on multiple occasions. (I HATE this word! More than fuck!)
• He is constantly talking about how terrible women are as drivers, ok…usually this is right after a woman does something stupid who is behind the wheel. And this happens regularly, if not frequently. But still!
• He answers the question “How are you?” with “Sexy and awesome.”  And is perfectly aware and let’s everyone know how pretty drunk girls at the bar find him. Or the tacky girls at the Wal-Mart checkout. (I’m not saying all wal-mart girls are tacky, but the one that hit on him infront of me was.)
• OH! He uses the word “chinkey”. Even more frequently than “faggot”. And it is embarrassing. (Maybe he gets away with it with other people because he is brown?)
• He actually talks about how things don’t go his way because he is smarter than everyone around him. He also tells people he has a Masters degree. (He doesn’t.)

And because he never let’s you join in on the conversation (the conversation usually being a lecture on how smart he is or the types of cars his parents had, in order of their purchase), he then complains that you are boring and he doesn’t know anything about you.

Except he continuously tells you that you are sweet and kind and a dear friend,  and sometimes he cries about being homesick….so  you can’t point out all of the above and how it makes him sound like a rere.

UGH MEN!

Oh Boys!

So, I just met this “gentleman” off of PlentyofFail (of course), seems super sweet, very young (25)…woops!

Pretty attractive. He’s one of those mixes where he seemed to get alot of the good traits of each. He kept talking about how he wasn’t a slut, I kept accusing him, BECAUSE HE SOUNDS LIKE ONE.

We made out…clearly. Because he’s not a slut.

And then we went for breakfast (we met up after my shift at the bar), and he just talked about all these girls he dated. And all the ethnicities he prefers. Because he’s not a slut.

None of which I am.

My feelings aren’t hurt, as I do the same thing. (But not to their faces, just in my head!)

Also Mr. PhD (aka Number 7, aka Iranian with the giant penis) came to the bar tonight…I wish I just made out with him and his penis instead!

 

When Is This Question OK?

So, I was re-singled again this past Sunday. From Number 7 of the dating challenge. Who I’m going to call Mr. PhD, since if I restart the challenge…there will be a new No. 7. Lol.

And one of the reasons was because I’d had sex with too many people!

I think I’m average. Maybe a little below average. Maybe I’m asking the wrong people (?), who all work at the bar with me. Who are a little more liberal.

We had a little door survey at the bar lastnight, I used my best SJP, Sex in the City intro voice. As I’m sure if there wasn’t that question on an episode, it was made mention of, even briefly.

Should I just never answer that question? Ever again?

Should I lie?

How many is too many?

Should I stop dating conservative men? (But I just like them that way!)

*insert terrible frustrated noise something akin to what a Chimpanzee might make*

P.S. He was smart, but balding, missing a tooth (near the front), had one eyebrow and smelled atrocious….and HE broke up with ME! And he reminded me that I was fat and old too.

Will my dignity and self confidence ever return?

November Challenge – No.1

For starters, I wish I had photos to go along with these posts. I wish I had a cool phone where I could nonchalantly snap some while on a date. Alas, I just have a giant Nikon…not so convenient.

So my boyfriend broke up with me the weekend before I left for Iraq. (Only 2 weeks, but I could have used the moral support!)

Anyways, after coming back, I decided that I needed to embrace single-hood wholeheartedly and get to the random dating with zero expectations for a real relationship.

Check. Motivation for this?

Well, it’s winter, and who doesn’t love cuddling when it’s cold outside (even with random dudes)!?

Extra motivation? Challenge!

20 first dates in the month of November. (In the end I failed miserably…but more on that later).

DATE No. 1

His description – 35 years old, Single, 5’7.  He is a strong, financially independent, non judgmental gentleman who is looking for someone similar, and who enjoys yoga, traveling and watersports.

We chatted for a few days, he was very charismatic, I agree to meet him.  We decide to meet for lunch on Sunday morning (I worked that night in the bar and needed to make it early). He sends me a photo before meeting…

Reality – He is at least 55 years old. I’m 100 percent sure he is married. He almost shit his pants when it turned out that we have some mutual acquaintances. He did drive a nice car. He does own a business, a travel agency, and I’m not going to lie, when I found out he was going to be leaving the country for a few months 2 weeks later, I was super pumped that I wouldn’t have to deal with any awkward “no”‘s if he were to suggest going out again.

Outcome/ Lesson Learned – Men lie. But I already knew that. (And women lie too, bitches be crazy.) Don’t give out your number too early… becuase then some old man may start randomly texting you when he’s lonely. And maybe one night his wife might text you too!

2 nights ago, he sent me a message of introduction.  Becuase apparently I’m so unmemorable. I have not answered back yet.

Did he actually forget? Couldn’t he remember lying about his age? My clear horror and disapointment?  Me hiding my face in my hands as he ordered breakfast off the Seniors menu?  And struggled to use his debit card? (Oh technology!) Spilling mustard on his shirt?

Repeatedly offering to give me a foot and back massage? Me repeatedly getting grossed out and saying no? Having an erection almost the entire time (I only noticed it near the end, before lying and saying I had to go to work.)

BOYS ARE GROSS!

Need More Kittens and Homos in My Life!

So apparently I am lazy.

I keep signing in to my blog, staring at it, and then reading the news instead. Because I don’t know what to say…even though I have so many stories.

1. I went to Iraq. It was awesome.

2. I set a November Dating Challenge. 20 first dates.

I got 7 in and then I liked him. So…there was a pause in the challenge. But it didn’t work out…so…that’s a story.

3. I got asked to be photographer in a pet project of a coworker, who used to be a burlesque dancer? (she speaks in code, so I may have translated incorrectly) And this project may include naked ladies.

4. Did I mention I went to Iraq? (Will post photos, I took like…2 million.)

5. I have been on a junkfood bender for the past 2 weeks. The resulting gas is worth at least 2 blogposts.

Drunk Talk with Sober Girls

I thought I should make a list of some of the phrases I deciphered lastnight at work. (Surprisingly enough, not at closing time.)

The first sentence is in the language of “Drunk Horny Manspeak”, the second is the translation in English for sober ladies at the bar who have not graduated from the naive class to the cynical street smart class.

DHM- So, would you like to hang out later?

E – Wanna bone when your off work in 20 minutes?

DHM – My wife cheated on me.

E – I would like to cheat on my wife, and you are conveniently here.

DHM – I’m sorry, I thought when you said “no”, maybe it meant you hadn’t decided yet…so I should go for it.

E – Careful, I’m going to try that again in 5 minutes.

DHM – I’m really good at backrubs.

E – I enjoy the challenge of turning backrubs into chestrubs.

DHM – Why don’t you let me bring a little simplicity into your life.

E – I won’t feel guilty if you cheat on your boyfriend with me.

And here is a helpful translation for men who can get a little antsy at the end of the night…

Sober Lady – No thanks, I have a boyfriend.

Translating to Drunk Horny Manspeak….

“No thanks, I have a boyfriend.” Or; “Your not putting anything into any of my orifices, but I might get off on the thought later. Thanks for the material.”